Loneliness
Whenever i look back at the pictures of my friends, the smile they had when they are with their friends, the happiness they show when drowned in the company of friends and loved ones, i just envy them so much.. envy them so much that they have their friends to support them all the way, the bonds which they share so strong, and all things they have shared ever since they knew each other..
somehow by chance or due to fate, i begin to lose the touch i have with humans, regardless of friends and family, i just lose them all. i dun dare to say i was once like them, but i just say those feelings were too real for me to be true. if some of you do read, some of my previous posts in this blog would just be telling ya how lonely i would become when i'm without company, how interdependent i can be towards whom i'm with, and how friends just leave me when they were so close at one point (which at that point how they supported me and shared everything i had).
it's just so 'amazing' and predictable in my life seriously, i know that people whom i know and befriended with, would just come and go. i know that happens all the time and can be to anyone of us, but for mine, it's just so fast. but yah, think the best that can go is just remain contact once in a while, and come out maybe... for example my god sis ying xian, many times before we would be so close to each other, really like siblings, in fact got a lot of things to chat with, had so much fun when with each other. but now we were so much like strangers. for yesterday when i saw her online on MSN, i just so wanted to open a window to chat with her, but i just didn't, which i did for least 3 times. something just hindered me from doing that. well, she wasn;t the only person though.. for others, i just dunno what to say or to start seriously..
so conclusion, i'm the only cause for what's happening.. and i think it's what i have to face.. another factor is my personality i have to say la.. but seriously i dunno what about it but i just it's because of that. imagine people dun like you when they first see you, and having to face rejection when you have to do some teamwork. argh.... why, i just dun understand.
just today, i really felt, to me, the feeling of loneliness. it's just another type of feeling which anyone would experience, except that you just got no feelings, u just know that you are to yourself, you ignore anything and everything that's around you by nature, and whatever it's said to you would be neglected.
maybe not just friends, i can;t even handle my own family now.. so many things are going home at home that i just dunno what to do. this family is breaking apart, dad's drinking, mum just work and work and work, brother is too ignorant about anything, and for me i just dun want to care about anything. i'm just too scared to do anything, and always have this belief that my actions wun change much. and i have to say no matter how much i prayed for all those things to change in the past didn't happen. maybe it's my fault for breaking too much sins, and not persevere in praying and worshipping. i really want to cry that this family is breaking apart. it's just less than 24 hours ago that i had such a ncie dad whom u really think can take care of you, care for you. now i just have this terror dad who just screams at u, keep saying that he's right because no one dare to say anything that;s wrong about him, and demands you for things which seem too ridiculous. i really dun like this side of my dad. and because of that i really got the thought of just jumping down the window to commit suicide. every thing just ends, family members live in grief, dun need to worry about me having no friends coz i just dun have any to worry about, and maybe even get my dad to wake up.
to some extent, maybe this can be my last post. what a contradiction right, i was enjoying myself for the past week in australia till yesterday, when i just had to face all this shit today. fate really loves to play with me right?
one thing about having the tendancy to suicide is you dun care about what's going around you coz you already hate them so much that you got no feelings anymore.
sounds too stupid but it just seems to be the only way for the desperate ones. i just can't live with this kind of broken families. really too hard to live in. for those who survived a similar one or worse, i congratulate u guys and hopefully live a more meaningful life than me.
meanwhile i just apologize to those whom i had ignored or neglected, i can;t promise anything la.. but maybe it's because i'm being hated so much that's why.. whatever it is, can;t do anything about it also..
P.S. hey pris, if you are reading this, pls dun mind this post this much k? can say it's not worth it. sorry for blocking u out of this but i just feel it's my own matter la.. thanks. hope u understand.
somehow by chance or due to fate, i begin to lose the touch i have with humans, regardless of friends and family, i just lose them all. i dun dare to say i was once like them, but i just say those feelings were too real for me to be true. if some of you do read, some of my previous posts in this blog would just be telling ya how lonely i would become when i'm without company, how interdependent i can be towards whom i'm with, and how friends just leave me when they were so close at one point (which at that point how they supported me and shared everything i had).
it's just so 'amazing' and predictable in my life seriously, i know that people whom i know and befriended with, would just come and go. i know that happens all the time and can be to anyone of us, but for mine, it's just so fast. but yah, think the best that can go is just remain contact once in a while, and come out maybe... for example my god sis ying xian, many times before we would be so close to each other, really like siblings, in fact got a lot of things to chat with, had so much fun when with each other. but now we were so much like strangers. for yesterday when i saw her online on MSN, i just so wanted to open a window to chat with her, but i just didn't, which i did for least 3 times. something just hindered me from doing that. well, she wasn;t the only person though.. for others, i just dunno what to say or to start seriously..
so conclusion, i'm the only cause for what's happening.. and i think it's what i have to face.. another factor is my personality i have to say la.. but seriously i dunno what about it but i just it's because of that. imagine people dun like you when they first see you, and having to face rejection when you have to do some teamwork. argh.... why, i just dun understand.
just today, i really felt, to me, the feeling of loneliness. it's just another type of feeling which anyone would experience, except that you just got no feelings, u just know that you are to yourself, you ignore anything and everything that's around you by nature, and whatever it's said to you would be neglected.
maybe not just friends, i can;t even handle my own family now.. so many things are going home at home that i just dunno what to do. this family is breaking apart, dad's drinking, mum just work and work and work, brother is too ignorant about anything, and for me i just dun want to care about anything. i'm just too scared to do anything, and always have this belief that my actions wun change much. and i have to say no matter how much i prayed for all those things to change in the past didn't happen. maybe it's my fault for breaking too much sins, and not persevere in praying and worshipping. i really want to cry that this family is breaking apart. it's just less than 24 hours ago that i had such a ncie dad whom u really think can take care of you, care for you. now i just have this terror dad who just screams at u, keep saying that he's right because no one dare to say anything that;s wrong about him, and demands you for things which seem too ridiculous. i really dun like this side of my dad. and because of that i really got the thought of just jumping down the window to commit suicide. every thing just ends, family members live in grief, dun need to worry about me having no friends coz i just dun have any to worry about, and maybe even get my dad to wake up.
to some extent, maybe this can be my last post. what a contradiction right, i was enjoying myself for the past week in australia till yesterday, when i just had to face all this shit today. fate really loves to play with me right?
one thing about having the tendancy to suicide is you dun care about what's going around you coz you already hate them so much that you got no feelings anymore.
sounds too stupid but it just seems to be the only way for the desperate ones. i just can't live with this kind of broken families. really too hard to live in. for those who survived a similar one or worse, i congratulate u guys and hopefully live a more meaningful life than me.
meanwhile i just apologize to those whom i had ignored or neglected, i can;t promise anything la.. but maybe it's because i'm being hated so much that's why.. whatever it is, can;t do anything about it also..
P.S. hey pris, if you are reading this, pls dun mind this post this much k? can say it's not worth it. sorry for blocking u out of this but i just feel it's my own matter la.. thanks. hope u understand.
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